Thursday, January 31, 2008

Monday, January 28, 2008

Why hast thou forsaken me?

Prepare yourself for the most stunning news of the new millennium: Children are difficult.

I suppose our story is the same as many parents with young children. We, of course, love them unconditionally, but there are times when I think the good lord is graciously repaying me for the havoc I caused as a child.

Overall, things are good. The occasions where I wish I could pull my bottom lip over my face and swallow seem to be few and far between. But when those times do arrive, they strike with the fury and intensity of a crazed militant, ruthless and unrelenting. Everything seems to be fine, and then.....BAM, it's bedtime, or.....POW, it's bath time. The proverbial feces hitteth the fan. Please don't misunderstand, the overwhelming majority of the time things run pretty smoothly. The thing that gets always seems to come as a surprise. I never even give it a thought. To me, its just time to do what needs to be done. To the kids, it's an earth shattering interruption. Have you ever seen the show Intervention. It reminds me of some poor person getting the news that their family has had enough. "No Way?!", Kids think, "Are you telling me this guy is saying I can't play Lightning McQueen anymore!?" I'm telling you, bedtime is like rehab for kids. They have to come down off of the toy high. I swear, sometimes I see them starting to sweat and shake a little.

Thank goodness I do not have the issues that some do. Our kids are usually great. I promise. It could definitely be worse, we haven't yet dialed Nanny 911. Holy Crap! If that show doesn't make you feel better, nothing will. But even when things are good, they can take a horrible turn.

Last night, at dinner, my 2 year old was sitting down enjoying a quite tasty home cooked meal. My wife and I look up and he has his usual expression that means we are going to have a steamy mess to clean. I try to catch him and run to the "potty", damn if it wasn't too late. Right in the middle of the dining room floor, rich and juicy, running down both legs. Potty training is the most wonderful experience I've ever had the pleasure of poking my eyes out over. Right now, there are those of you saying get used to it because you 've been there and think we deserve to live through what you have. Others, not yet blessed with the miracle of parenthood, are convinced these stories are told for population control. Either way, I'm still cleaning up life's rancid, eye watering messes. I would love to hear your stories, misery loves company.

Friday, January 25, 2008

hodge podge

I'm still very new to writing anything where people might actually read it, but I was struck by the notion that in an arena as casual as this(and the fact that very few people will actually read it), it doesn't have to be a controlled story with the classic points of literature.

Hence the title Hodge Podge.

Instruction manuals, to me, are just another person's opinion.

Grilled Cheese sandwiches and pizza from a kit should count as being able to cook.

Yes, sex and food is all we ever think about, just ask my wife. Proof of this is I can't keep my hands off her when she's in the kitchen, it's a match made in heaven.

Some will appreciate this more than others. About two years ago, a gentleman at work had a warranty request to replace a dead sand cherry tree in a customer's landscape. He was young and inexperienced, only having worked with us for a couple of weeks. He wasn't running the job, just assisting, but somehow the p.o. and invoice made it to him first. The invoice read as follows:

At customer request, please replace dead sand
chry in rear scape. cust. #123456
He proceeded to ask me (at that point in time I was a production manager), "What in the world should I do with all this dead sand, and where do i find some to replace it? How much is there even going to be, is it all going to fit in the dump truck.?" Yes, it did come as a surprise to me that sand is alive at one point in time, and that you could actually find a supply place to pick up live and kickin' sand to replace that damn dead sand. You know, it does have a pretty short life expectancy. The other sad part to the whole story is that we use Wonderlic (tm) for new hires. Goes to show you how reliable that test can be at times. This is a true story...he actually did think that there was a giant pile, or bed, or something full of dead sand. He didn't make it very long.

If I had the means, I would open a store where every checkout is 12 items or less, and writing checks and using coupons is strictly prohibited.

I dated a girl in high school who thought that "twin cam" was the name of her car because it was on the fender.

I love it when people don't know the real words to a song, and fill in what they think the words sound like. I am guilty of this.

I love to do the robot. I love watching people do the robot. I don't care if this makes me a complete idiot. At some point I will post a poor quality video of my robot prowess.

I am a man who realizes that it is harder to stay home with children, than to go to work everyday.

I'm tired and hungry, if this wasn't entertaining, try me again tomorrow. Leave comments for me even if it's only to tell me I'm a jackass, its the only way these will get better.

I'm gonna make like a new born and head out. see ya.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Farticus Maximus, ie. Farty McFartpants

I fart a lot. I know its not always something to be proud of. And no, I wasn't sitting around pondering my manly noises. My wife informed me of the issue, like I didn't already know, and told me to blog about it since I was such an expert. This whole issue of farting is like a lot of other small things that husbands can claim that their wife can't take away from them. I compare it to the home that a man and wife live in. My home can't be taken away from me, but that doesn't mean I get to choose what goes in and out and when. I get very little say on the decor, not a big deal. I don't choose colors very often, candle scents aren't my choice, you know the drill.

Well, my farts are sort of the same. Even though I can't choose how they smell, or how frequently I get to enjoy them (in my case according to my wife is very frequent), they can't be taken away from me. I know by now, any adult male is an expert in this field. Some more than others. Ladies, it's just something that you will have to get used to.

The best thing I can say about it: If we're comfortable enough to fart in front of you, that just means that we are open to share things with you. Think of it as our sensitive side, and we are sharing feelings with you...even if those feelings are just bloating, and then relief.

Football Fever, Super Bowl is Almost Here

One of the greatest man days of the year is steadily approaching. I, of course, am speaking of the greatest sports creation of all time...SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. This year's match up between the New York Giants and the New England Patriots has the potential to be either one of the worst or best games in the history of the game. The last time the two played, just a few weeks ago, the Giants pushed the Pats, and threatened to end their pursuit of perfection. With this in mind, can Eli and the Giants put together another game that keeps them close enough at the end to try and pull of the monumental upset? I actually hope they can. I neither root for or against either team, I am one of the unfortunate souls who roots for the hopelessly pathetic Cincinnati Bengals, but that is another story all together.

I think that, unless you are a devoted Pats' fan, most are rooting for the Giants just because of the sheer underdog mentality. It would be great to see New York, at team that almost nobody thought would be in this position, pull of such a tremendous upset. It is certainly a distinct possibility. One errant pass in their previous match up is seemingly all that kept the Pats' hope for a perfect season alive. If Eli can actually make good decisions, and get rid of the ball when he doesn't have a good option, it certainly can be done. Anyone who has watched Eli play over the past several seasons knows that this has been a problem of his. You can attribute it to him trying to do too much for his team, or a lack of maturity in a difficult situation. Either way, I really think that both issues can be overcome.

Obviously, there is more to this game than whether or not Eli shows up to play, but if he doesn't
the Giants don't have a chance. I'll be rooting for the Giants, but my money would be on the Pats'.

I just want it to be a good game. I look forward to it all year, and the thought of a blowout is not appealing to me. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My next thought is of the previously mentioned, pathetic excuse for a team, THE CINCINNATI BENGALS. I have been a fan since I was old enough to appreciate the game. I saw them play in their last appearance in the big game when Joe Montana led the 49ers back with one of the best game winning drives of all time. The only problem with this is the fact that it was twenty years ago...since then we have had one winning season.

Maybe the average football fan isn't too familiar with the Bengals, unless from the Cincinnati area, but on the offensive side of the ball, they are so full of talent its almost disgusting how poorly they performed this past year. Carson Palmer is easy a top 3 choice as best in the league, but as talented as his receivers are, they show such a lack of character it makes me and many other fans sick. In the last game they played that was shown on a national stage, the network kept showing Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmanzadeh essentially pouting on the sidelines over and over again. This type of behavior carries over to the field. Johnson had more drops this year, than any other of his career. Both are running routes short of the marker on third down, making poor blocks down field, and bitch constantly about not getting the ball. I have a suggestion: LEAD YOUR TEAM BY EXAMPLE... act like you want to be there. Chad Johnson has still been sulking. "Nobody has my back, nobody supports me". Sure he had a lot of negative criticism this year, but he deserved it. His antics have to be a distraction in the locker room, no matter what his teammates say. He is selfish, arrogant, and the most talented receiver in the game. That is a horrible combination because his talent is being wasted.
Can you imagine if he had the work ethic and demeanor of a Jerry Rice or Marvin Harrison...the guy would be unfreaking stoppable.

Locally, the media reports that this starts with the coaching staff. I tend to agree, partially. Marvin Lewis and his staff seem to have lost the team. Its hard to say for sure, we're not in the locker room, or in the huddle. Its all speculation, and the best educated guess we can come up with. The problem is, coaches that are successful don't let their players do stupid things a get away with it. A perfect example to this was when Chad finally got back into the end zone after 7 or 8 weeks without a score. The guy gets a celebration penalty in a close game, and all Marvin did was flash his usual ridiculous smile and pat him on the back. Maybe I'm wrong, but until the Bengals get a proven winner as head coach, this team is destine for many more disappointing seasons...sure, an occasional appearance in first playoff game is a potential with the talent they have is a possibility, but talent can take you only so far. You also need leadership and discipline, neither of which the Bengals have been able to find. I suppose that until the fans stop buying tickets, or until Mike Brown will be the same old Bengals.

POST COMMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POST COMMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

You know the guy I'm Talking about

It seems like everyone knows "this guy". The guy I'm speaking of tells stories of such unbelievable magnitude that it goes beyond comical, to almost even feeling sorry for the type of person who has the time to think up such ridiculous nonsense.

Let me give you some background info. First, he works with me. Basically, this means he makes average money at best. If you didn't catch my last entry, I work for a lawn care company. Anyway, jeez, I don't even know where to start with this guy, there are so many great ones. First, he told us that he has a state of the art garage built inside of an old farm barn to hide the fact that it is an expensive, technologically amazing land of mysterious car wonders. He proceeds to tell us that he has several meticulously restored classic cars inside the architectural wonder. Everything from a Dodge Charger to rocket fuel powered drag cars. This garage, er, climate controlled and the cars never come out. He also says that he can't take pics because the flash photography will fade the paint. I think you're starting to get the idea. Further, he has, low and behold, a wolf...that's guard previously mentioned barn, er, garage..whatever.
This incredible beast is trained only to his commands, and hunts his dinner for him when he is working on the cars too late to make it out for dinner. That's right! This amazing animal hunts
down dinner for this guy, can you believe it!?

This isn't the half of it. Once upon a time, this fellow also worked for a fast food restaurant famous for their tacos. This chain is owned by Pepsi. He told us that he acquired so much stock for Pepsi that he lives off the interest and works lawn care to stay busy. Last year, with so much money in the bank, he sued a major financial institution for mishandling all of these funds and they settled out of court for over three hundred thousand dollars. I could go on and on, but who has time.

If you have your own pathological entertainer, drop a comment for the rest of us to enjoy his or her stories, even if its only to make us feel better about our meager, simple lives. Until next time, be sure to find your mansphere.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

maiden voyage

With the general education I've acquired, I seem to recall that the first sentence of any story should set the overall tone and grab the reader's attention. The problem I have in this case is that I plan to spew out whatever comes to mind around the few moments that I'll actually have to sit down and write.

Mansphere, hence the name, will encompass all things man. Today, I'd simply like to touch on why I'm here in the first place. Long story's winter and I am employed by a large property management company (fancy name for lawn and land care). My wife has been writing for a couple of different venues for quite some time, vintageindie and wickedly chic, and it's hard for me to enjoy all of the womanly wiles.

So, to summarize, I need to talk about manly crap! I'll start with some tools. Recently I redid (I say redid instead of refinished because the latter seems too polished for what I actually accomplished) an old chest that my wife paid $10.00 for at an estate sale. I found myself substituting whatever tools I had for what I actually needed. As I was using a quarter sheet palm sander to "plane" down the lid (about 17"x38") I realized that there had to be other guys trying to do the same types of things. You know, wrench for a hammer, screwdriver for a nail punch. Oh, by the way, this is all in the laundry room because we don't have the garage built yet, and it's 15 degrees outside. This leads me to what could be a great idea if it's not already done yet. Just about everyone knows about websites like eBay and, but what if there were a swap/barter site for tools and other objects of manly desire. I mean, please, there is already etsy for only handmade crafts and vintage items, why can't we have somewhere to buy, sell and trade manly junk without having to filter through all the other crap out there, something we can call our own.

Well, that's it for now, maybe this isn't earth shattering, but surely there are guys out there that have similar feelings or ideas. If you do and you 'd like to share, leave a comment here, or email me.

Future entries will be all man stuff. Hopefully women like some of it too. I hope to discuss everything from sports to beer and everything in between. Since I am man, I am of course an expert on all subjects like all other men who know everything. Just ask my wife and all other wives and girlfriens alike. Until next time, make sure you find your mansphere.